With families more spread out than ever these days, more of us are likely to find ourselves caring for an aging family member, unwell relative or friend from afar. It’s not always easy, but with the right plan, you can make it work.

Being organised, setting clear boundaries, and making the most of the visits you do make can help this work much better.

Laurie Hilsgen, chief executive of Carers NZ, shares some dos and don’ts to help make long-distance caregiving work.

Don’t just take over.

Hilsgen says the first thing to remember is that you’re there to support the person who needs support, not to take over.

“Losing independence is a common concern for older people and those with significant support needs,” she says. So be sensitive to this.

Plan together

Get the family together to discuss what help is needed and what might be needed in future. Then decide who does what, with the agreement of the person requiring support. Remember to discuss the critical ‘what ifs’, such as health needs changing, or more help being required around the home.

Build a village

Who else can help on the ground when you can’t? Identify friends, family, neighbours, support workers and their agencies, clergy and anyone else who might be willing to lend a hand. Knowing you have these people to call on if you can’t reach your family member, or if something comes up, is excellent peace of mind. Some of them may even be willing to help with simple tasks regularly.

Make sure these people have your contact details, and you have theirs and let them know you’re always available.

Investigate other community organisations that may be able to provide support too, says Hilsgen. This could be places like Meals on Wheels, transport services, the Age Concern visitor service or St John Caring Caller.

Identify what you can do from afar

Hilsgen says this can include helping with finances and doing things like setting up automatic bill payments, coordinating meals and outings and creating a roster of visits from friends.

Plan regular visits

If you live far away, regular visits can be crucial, not only for renewing your relationship with the person needing support, but also for giving the primary caregiver a break.

Hilsgen suggests making the most of these visits to help with, or even attend, medical appointments with the person needing support if they would like that. Check on how safe their home is – what risks are there?

In between times, make sure you’re in regular contact with your family member and the person acting as their primary caregiver.

Connecting online and by phone

There are so many tools for this now, including Zoom, FaceTime, email, social media, texting, and by phone. Ensure the person you support has the right devices to do this easily and help if needed to set up accounts and subscriptions. There are also apps to help you see and connect with each other.

Check security

Do you know who has a key to the front door and whether this person passes it on to anyone else? What do support workers do with the keys between visits? Ensure there are clear rules for security and access, so safety and privacy are protected, Hilsgen says. Consider video and camera security, as these are inexpensive now and may not even need a wired connection. Good lighting indoors and out should also be talked about from time to time, and improved to prevent slips, trips, and falls.

Review important documents

Together with your family member, sit down and organise their important documents so they are all in one place. This should include: birth certificate, IRD number and latest tax returns, health care numbers, up-to-date medications list, marriage/divorce decrees, insurance and other policies, superannuation and Work and Income information, and copies of Wills and Enduring Powers of Attorney. Carers NZ has free downloadable tools for this at its website, Carers.net.nz (Click to View).

Keep it Professional

Support workers aren’t family friends - they’re professionals with limits.

“It’s great to be friendly,” says Hilsgen, “but don’t put them in awkward situations by asking for extras.”

Caring from a distance is challenging, but doable. With teamwork, planning, and a strong local network, you can make a big difference. Ensure communications within your family are open and strong, so you can work together to support someone who needs this help and update arrangements should anything important change.